Living with Fear

I have debated since yesterday whether or not to write about this, and just now decided to do so because I need to ask for your prayers.

My day started Friday like any other. I went to the doctors office because I had been having some kidney pain and ended up bending over for a rectal exam. You will soon see the reason for my humor here. I have NEVER felt so violated in my entire life. Having a finger of someone else going were you no likey is no funny. I even asked her if she was going to at least take me out to eat or something and she just said "drop your pants and bend over!" I thought she was only going to look around a bit until I realized and said... OH OKAAAAY YOUR GOING IN!! This was not a fun visit to the doctors office but I did have to laugh a bit until..........

She asks me if colon cancer runs in my family. WAIT A MINUTE!!! What did you say? She asks again, does colon cancer run in your family? I cannot answer this question one because I cant speak and two because I am adopted and don't know what my family medical history is.

So she orders up a cat scan, and gives me the name of a GI that she wants me to see for some type of scope. You know a camera that ALSO like her finger gets to go to happy land. Right, more fun.

I mentioned that I would joke about this in the beginning of this post. This is just my coping mechanism I guess, because this does have me a little scared.

I'm not scared of dying, that I am very much ready for. Ok this is the hard part to write. I am NOT however ready to leave behind a 6 and 2 year old to live life without a Daddy. The thought of this KILLS me. No pun intended. I mean nothing is confirmed by any means, but just the thought of why they are looking into this because of what they think it is scares me silly.

As soon as I got out of the doctors office I was still very composed, however as soon as I called my wife I couldn't even speak a word. Tears prevented me from even getting a word out. She knew right away something was very wrong, and she was right. Its not even easy to write about in this post.

So until I have tests done Wednesday I will be living with some fear. Fear that there is a possibility that I may be about to enter the fight of my life. Fear that I could be leaving my beautiful bride alone. Fear of leaving my parents without a son. Fear of leaving a sister without a brother. And worst of all,fear that my kids might lose their daddy way to soon.

There is no fear of dying. For this I feel very prepared. Just a fear of not living for the benefit of a few that mean VERY much to me. So until the day comes when they tell me NO CANCER, yes I will be living with some fear. Not fear from this possible disease as I know it would be His will, but fear for those who need me the most.

I never thought the day would come when I would ask the Prayer Soldiers to pray for this person.

Will you pray for me? Please leave me a comment if you will.

Tears, Love, and Prayers Always,