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I have debated since yesterday whether or not to write about this, and just now decided to do so because I need to ask for your prayers.
My day started Friday like any other. I went to the doctors office because I had been having some kidney pain and ended up bending over for a rectal exam. You will soon see the reason for my humor here. I have NEVER felt so violated in my entire life. Having a finger of someone else going were you no likey is no funny. I even asked her if she was going to at least take me out to eat or something and she just said "drop your pants and bend over!" I thought she was only going to look around a bit until I realized and said... OH OKAAAAY YOUR GOING IN!! This was not a fun visit to the doctors office but I did have to laugh a bit until..........
She asks me if colon cancer runs in my family. WAIT A MINUTE!!! What did you say? She asks again, does colon cancer run in your family? I cannot answer this question one because I cant speak and two because I am adopted and don't know what my family medical history is.
So she orders up a cat scan, and gives me the name of a GI that she wants me to see for some type of scope. You know a camera that ALSO like her finger gets to go to happy land. Right, more fun.
I mentioned that I would joke about this in the beginning of this post. This is just my coping mechanism I guess, because this does have me a little scared.
I'm not scared of dying, that I am very much ready for. Ok this is the hard part to write. I am NOT however ready to leave behind a 6 and 2 year old to live life without a Daddy. The thought of this KILLS me. No pun intended. I mean nothing is confirmed by any means, but just the thought of why they are looking into this because of what they think it is scares me silly.
As soon as I got out of the doctors office I was still very composed, however as soon as I called my wife I couldn't even speak a word. Tears prevented me from even getting a word out. She knew right away something was very wrong, and she was right. Its not even easy to write about in this post.
So until I have tests done Wednesday I will be living with some fear. Fear that there is a possibility that I may be about to enter the fight of my life. Fear that I could be leaving my beautiful bride alone. Fear of leaving my parents without a son. Fear of leaving a sister without a brother. And worst of all,fear that my kids might lose their daddy way to soon.
There is no fear of dying. For this I feel very prepared. Just a fear of not living for the benefit of a few that mean VERY much to me. So until the day comes when they tell me NO CANCER, yes I will be living with some fear. Not fear from this possible disease as I know it would be His will, but fear for those who need me the most.
I never thought the day would come when I would ask the Prayer Soldiers to pray for this person.
Will you pray for me? Please leave me a comment if you will.
Tears, Love, and Prayers Always,
Law Enforcement Appreciation Day
4 years ago
67 Soldier's saluted this post:
I will pray for you non stop. Not only for good medical news but for peace. I will be checking back often.
Oh, gosh, Tim. My prayers are all yours. ((((hugs))))
PRAYERS are coming you now! Praying for comfort, peace, and no cancer! Hang in there Tim!
~Elyse~
We'll be lifting you up in prayer, constantly...for peace and a good diagnosis. ((hugs))
Oh, my sweet buddy, Tim. These are not the words I want to read. I can't imagine how you feel...I totally get what you're saying. I look forward to the day that I will be re-united with my parents in heaven and be in the presence of our sweet Lord for all eternity, but the thought of leaving behind my hubby and boys is heart-wrenching. My prayers are with you and your family, who I'm sure are living in as much fear as you are. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hang in there, bud.
Court
Of course Tim... already praying for you and your family. For a PEACE that passes all understanding. "For who by worrying can add even a single hour to his life?" Luke 12:25. Not to dishearten you, but to ENCOURAGE you... For God has EVERY SINGLE one of your days in the palm of His hand.
He has a PURPOSE for each one.
And even the enemy cannot take that. God has called you to live in victory, to fulfill what He has gifted you to do. And some of those precious gifts are your family.
Do not let the enemy win by stealing your joy with your family.
Get mad... (that the enemy would do such a thing), and get FOCUSED. Each day is your gift.
I know it can't help but be on your mind... but take heart... look how many prayer warriors you have backing you up.
Many prayers,
Rachel
I have been where you are...I know the fear. I had those same feelings about leaving my children without a mother. It is the worst thing to wait for...the tests & results.
I will be praying for your peace...but remember 2 Timothy 1:7...
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Rest well my friend & try not to worry about something you cannot control, (easier said than done...I know...I was there) God Has your life in His hands.
Mimi
Tim,
Wow. This is really shocking and I am absolutly putting you in my prayers. I am also asking my mom and dad (pastors) to put you on the prayer list at their church. They meet on a regular basis to lift up many individuals in prayer and you will be no different. I can't imagine what you are going through right now, remember that God is in control and he is right by your side. And we are all right by our keyboards, ready to support you whenever you need it! Until Wednesday when you get the all clear! ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))HUGS(((((((((((((((((((
Praying!!!!!!!!
I was in a similar situation not to long ago and know the worry! Praying for some peace during the horrible waiting game. And also that the waiting ends with GOOD news!!!!!!!!
Absolutely - you KNOW we are going to pray for you! You have such compassion for others, and you know we will return it for you. I will be thinking about you and praying for you and anxiously awaiting Wednesdays tests with you.
Lifting you in prayer.
Oh Tim...I'm very shocked by this post. Not even sure what to say, other than OF COURSE I will pray for you non-stop. Praying for your entire family. Please please please keep us all updated. Every one of us, your followers, loves you to death. You'll have so many people praying for you!!!
Tim, you have my prayers....God bless! Angie
May God be with you and comfort you fears Tim ~ I will be praying.
Tim you're going to be just fine. I just know it.
I'm praying for you my friend.
Have a blessed Sunday.
~Melissa :)
Praying for you!
Since I'm about to go to sleep, I'm putting you in my nighttime prayers.
I know how terrifying cancer can be, since my mother has had it twice.
I hope everything comes back normal, and that you can finally get some mental peace.
What a journey to be on...I can say that because I am right there with you...For the last month, I have been bruising excessively and have been to the Oncologist twice already. Last week at my appt. they ruled out Leukemia (thank god), but waiting for those results (two weeks) was painful and I didn't sleep one good night. Now, I am on my way to the University of Washington for Platelet studies and evaluations. It kills me to hear that you are going through the same because I know your heartfelt worries. As a mom myself the one thing you hate to leave behind are the many many years ahead with your children. My prayers are with you and your family. Keep us posted!!
With love,
Stephanie
Sending prayers your way!
I will keep you in my prayers.
oh my goodness Tim! I know exactly how you feel about this cancer scare, as I am alsom living of fear of this dreaded disease. Cancer is a scary word. I have had the same feelings you are having all week. I am not afraid to die. I just don't want to leave my 3 beautiful girls without mommy and my husband without a soul mate. I have alot i want to do with my family and cancer just doesn't figure into my plans for life. I'm praying for you! I'm praying that we'll BOTH be cancer-free. Keep us updated.
Tim,
I will be thinking good thoughts for you until your tests come back worry free...
-Carey
I am praying for you Tim!
I had a very similar situation at my dr's visit on Friday. You and your family will be in my heart and on my mind!
I'll be praying Tim!!! I'm believing for a good report!!!
Oh, Tim! I can only imagine what is going on in between those ears of yours. We are praying here in the Sneaky house for you.
Matthew 6:34
Oh no. You'll definitely be in my prayers. Hugs!
Lots of hugs & prayers for you and your family!
We are definitely praying in here. We will be anticipating good news on Wednesday, Tim.
I hate that you're having to deal with this. As if having a camera shoved up your ass isn't bad enough....the reason for all the shoving upping is terrifying.
No worries. Don't waste time on that! It is what it is...and worrying won't make it go away.
Love ya, Bubbles!
GO JESSUS GO!! ;)
Tim -
As a friend you know I get to speak honestly and openly, and totally from my heart. RIGHT?
Great!
Because I want to say first that this is a VERY REAL and VERY SCARY situation you may or may not face. So those feelings are so valid. I choked up when I read the phone call to your wife. You just went through some extreme emotions at the doctors office and the person you feel most comfortable with (your wife), you emotions took over and a flow of tear fell.
As you know and this is the hardest part... GOD speaks of having NO FEAR 352 times in the bible. That is one for every single day of the year that God tells us to not fear.
The reason I am saying this here instead emailing as we normally do, is so others that may need to hear it can read it also, so forgive me if this gets too long for a comment box.
My BFF and the wife of our church pastor once said to me and it has never left me.
"YOU will not die one minute earlier than God has planned for you, and you will not die one minutes later than God has planned for you."
I die a little each time I think of the thought of leaving behind my children as such young ages. Oh my goodness does that rip my heart out just thinking about it.
But WE, Tim, truly have to have faith in our BIG GOD, that the plan is already written, and he will protect our children and loved ones no matter what happens to us.
It doesn't make it easier never the less.... but it does bring some peace of mind.
I actually talk to my son about death. We just had this conversation in the car the other day. I told him I had 3 request of him should anything happen to mommy so soon. 1. TO BE HAPPY no matter what. 2. Look after and always be there for his sister. 3. NEVER give up or stop believing in GOD.
I wrote letters to both my children and husband, just incase....
I want to be prepared and often SO MANY people dont like to or want to talk about "that" word (death) and they they don't prepare their families for that unthinkable.
If I had a choice in a way of dying other than old age after seeing my children have children, I think it would choose cancer and be told I had a certain amount of days left so I can make those last few months or days AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE for my family.
Not saying all of that to scare you...but in hopes to know that you can die the moment you get into your car today (lets hope that isn't God plans for you)... but its truth. So this "fear" you are feeling.... is a fear that could swallow you up EVERY DAY that today may be the day you die. What if it where? Are you prepared? Have you prepared your family?
Use this time to prepare for the unthinkable.... and then settle in the peace of GODS plan for Will, Taylor, Your Wife and YOU.
I know you will, but ill say it anyways... please keep up posted as soon as you can with any update and we will surely be praying for you. Be strong... SMILE for GOD is in control. Don't allow fear to take away your joy over this beautiful weekend. YOu have so much to be thankful for TODAY!!!
God Bless.
Misty
I can totally understand your anxiety but she's probably being "safe rather than sorry" and colon cancer is very treatable, besides, esp if detected early. I apologize if I sound non-empathetic--it's just that everyone in my family who has had cancer (grandmother, mom, dad, sister--husband's brother) have all survived it quite nicely. There is so much more they can do these days---and you're very young. It's going to be okay!
I will be praying.
I struggle with the same thing because of the progression of my CF. And I don't want those I love to see me suffocating to death.
I'll definitely be praying for you, Tim!
Tim,
You are in my prayers!! Sorry didn't get to you sooner but I have been away from the computer since yesterday! Oh my!
Please think positive and pray positive that is what you and your family need to do right now!
Email me anytime if you need to vent or just "chat"!!
Love & Lots of Prayers,
Jo
Tim, I'm praying for you. I'll be waiting for the good results on Wed. Kristen
Mist,
Thank you for the supportive words. Please know that I dont live my life in fear nor will I ever. That wasnt what I was trying to convey in this post. My life will never be cripled by fear now or anytime else for that matter.
If it be Gods will that I leave this place earlier than I would like, then I know and trust that this is His will and that everyone will be taken care of.
This doesnt mean I cant be fearful for them of what they are going to have to face without me, because this IS what I do most certainly fear. I just wanted to make sure that you understood my feelings from this post.
Love and Prayers,
Tim
Many prayers are with you, Tim! Please keep us updated.
"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34
We'll keep you in our prayers. I've had a colonoscopy and it wasn't that bad....actually a nice little nap! They found 4 polyps and removed them...no problems since then! Hang in there!
Oh my gosh, Tim! I am so sorry I'm just now reading this. I haven't been on the computer this weekend until now. Rest assured, I will be praying for you. I cannot imagine how you feel not knowing your family medical history. I will pray that God comforts you and that you have peace. Try not to think about the worst that could happen(I know that's easy for me to say) but try to believe that you are well. I will pray for this also. Keep us updated!
Praying for you. When I was diagnosed, waiting for results was the hardest part. Praying for peace for you all!
Praying for good news. I think the fear is a natural response. Your two beautiful children need their daddy, and of course, you want to be there to watch them grow up. Hoping and praying that the tests are only a precaution and confirm that you are totally healthy!
OMG Tim! I am soooooo praying for you! What a nightmare! I pray that Wednesday comes quickly and that you get the best news of your life!
In my prayers,
Abigail
Tim~ I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I am lifting you up in prayer and preaying for peace. Please keep us updated and know that you are in the hands of GOD.
And thanks for the great photography tip. I treid it at their last games and I was amazed that I figured it out and actaully got fenceless pics!
Hugs and prayers, Stacey
Of course I will pray for you! I will pray for peace as well so you can get through these next couple of days.
Blessings,
Sparkette
Okay--it sounds like you are like me--any medical procedure/scare equals cancer which equals death. Ain't gonna happen, buddy. Nope. Don't freak yourself out just yet. I'll laugh with you about this when it is over. :)
You and your family will very much be in my prayers. I saw your comment about drama over at Angie's and came over to look. I got more than I bargained for. I was expecting kid or family craziness and now there are tears in my eyes. God bless you.
You definitely will be in my prayers and my thoughts! I know alot of things are easier said than done, but keep your chin up. Take each day as it comes and don't let your fear keep you from living.
Hey Tim -
Gosh I am so glad I happened to look back here today. I forget about people responding to comments in their own comment post and normally you always just email me. I still haven't gotten use to that (this way of responding). :)
Awe..... I did totally misread your post. Your response to mine, showed me the strong(er) Tim I have come to know over the last few months. I get it now....
Of course I hope that my comment didn't offend you by any means... I don't think it would, because you know me well enough by now. But with that being said.... I am so proud of you for the strength you continue to have with all that you have been through in life.
Yes, the thought of what our loved ones and children would have to face.....
I had this thought go through my mind while standing underneath the hot shower the other day. I read a devotional the other day in which it spoke about and I hope to post about soon...that a lot of the reasons we struggle with death if it be ourselves or a losing a loved one is because we as believers, although we "believe" we still doubt, which is normal.... but that little bit of "doubt" cripples us from being ENTHUSIASTIC about getting to go to heaven on Gods time.
My thoughts where this.... "God I so want to be ENTHUSIASTIC. I want to have that RIGHT feeling and emotion about death and spending eternity with You....Lord, I really do. Please help me to be more like you and have that kind of ENTHUSIASM. However, Lord.... you have chosen me to be my children's advocates. I am supposed to raise them and show them to live for and love You. Please bless me with that gift and let me carry them to you until they are old enough to no longer need my services."
I do fear that also, what they would face without me, is what I am saying... that I talk to God about this, because death ways so much on my mind ALL THE TIME. A little too much probably.
I am sorry that you have to anxiously wait to hear the news that could possibly not be good. I am sorry that you have to fear about the possible unthinkable.
Sorry for misreading your post as well...... next time respond to ME, or I may have missed your response. LOL. I don't often check back for responses like I did today.
Did they say they would have an answer for you on Wednesday or will they just take test and then you will have to wait more for the results?
Did you have a good weekend?
Mist-
Mist,
I dont know at all if there will be results given then or not. i guess I was in so much shock during those quick moments that i didnt really think to ask. I do hope that I will know something then, but Im gueesing I wont know something for sure until I have the colonoscopy done and that will be a while.
Tim
I will be praying that the results will be negative. I can only imagine the fear you must be feeling right now.
May this fear turn out to be nothing.
Tim, I am so sorry you are having to go through this fear. I know exactly what you mean about not fearing death because if it wasn't for my husband and two beautiful girls I would love to go be with my Jesus. I will definitely start praying for you and trust that our Lord will take care of this situation. Thanks for sharing.
Oh I too have tears welling in my eyes at the moment. I hate to hear that anyone has to go through this and it makes even harder when there are little ones involed. Colon cancer is some kinda serious, unfortunatly it runs in my family. I also know how frustrating it is to not know if may be hereditary, my husband is too adopted and we often find it hard when it comes to the medical stuff. I will definately be praying for you and hoping you hear nothing but good news Wednesday.
Holy Crap!!! (No pun intended) :) Just trying to make you smile. I am so sorry to hear about this. I will put you in my prayers, which seem to be really crowded lately. So many sad things going on these days. I really hope that all is well with you and your colon, and the rest of you for that matter. Hang in there!
Sorry to hear this news. We will keep you in our prayers.
Yes, we will pray for you. That would be unnerving. I understand your anxiety about leaving behind little kids (although, know, that I'm not even assuming that it is an option for you right now, that's not why I say that) It's my concern about death. I want my kids to be grown up and happy with families of their own. I pray for your family. I hope it goes very well.
Hi Tim...
I was just stopping by to thank you for leaving kind words on my blog when I found this post.
As someone who has been dealing with the serious illness of my hubby for several years now...I understand some of what you are going through. The whole "unknowing" thing is rough. I am praying for you, my new friend....I know there is a reason for this time in your life. I am praying for a clean bill of health...
Hugs to you and your dear family!!!
Debbie
My prayers are with you and your family during this time. Blessings to you.
The courage just to go in the first place is hard. You will be in my prayers!
~AmyLynn
Please keep us posted! I'm hoping for the best possible outcome!
Oh Tim, I'm SOOO far behind in my reading I'm just now finding this post!! Please know I'm praying for you!.....keep us posted!
{hugs}
~TidyMom
Of course I will pray. Prayers here today from NC.
Absolutley praying....I know that kind of FEAR and it is paralyzing.
Praying for a great report and peace until then....
I'm so sorry to hear about this Tim. We will surely be praying for you as you wait on answers...Please keep us updated.
Praying . . . and looking forward to hearing good news soon on test results :) xo
This post brought me tears today. I just prayed for you before commenting and will be praying again and also BELIEVING for a great report soon!
Bless you!
I had to have one of those fun scopes myself and, if it is any consolation, they knock you out and you don't feel a thing. My scare turned out to be a pesky internal hemmoroid (can't believe I just admitted that out into bloggy land) and was nothing to worry about. I will be praying that yours comes up with benign results as well.
I missed this post! I thought you meant something else when I read the post the other day saying to scroll down...oh, too hard to explain and it doesn't really matter now...
But, MAN, I'm sooooooo sorry you're going through this. I am trusting that everything will be just fine. My prayers are continuous until you get the word.
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